Meeting A bunch of characters

South Dakota has its share of characters.  I’m getting to meet quite a few.  In my travels, I met some very interesting folks in Kentucky.  From time to time, I’ll be writing about them.

I’d like you to meet two of them who live in Rebel Hollow (they call it the “holler”): Uncle Butch and Tater Bodine.

Once upon a time, Uncle Butch was deer hunting. No, not the time he pushed the electric fence war (Kentucky talk for wire) down with the butt of his 30.06 and stepped over it and the war come loose and flew up and hit him in his parts (Butch has really short little legs and hairy feet like a Hobbit) so he was stuck there on top of that war for a while. That one really happened; I heard it straight from the source.

No, this time he was doing his bidness in the forest, unbeknownst atop a bear-trap concealed beneath a shallow layer of leaves. Now the woodsy reader will be familiar with the pressure-sensitive trigger on a bear-trap. Which Butch triggered.

At the moment the jaws seized Butch's particles it was the most pain he had ever had. This continued to be the case for another 1.3 seconds, at which point the chain run out, and a new record for lifetime pain was set.

Then there’s Tater Bodine.  He lives in the holler next to Uncle Butch.  His wife, Sweet Tater, was going to visit Tater’s sister, Red Tater in New York City.  Tater was going to stay home and take care of their daughter, Tater Tot.

Here’s what Tater told me:

“I figgered Sweet Tater needed to protek hersef from all them purse snatching dopers in the City, so I bought Sweet Tater a Tazer to take along with her.” 

”I was keeping it a big surprise and was reading the instructions, and it said a one second jolt would bring a man to his knees, a two second jolt would knock a man to the floor. A three second jolt would make you lose bodily function control.”

”Well I saw that this contraption only took 2 AA batteries and figured ‘How in God’s good holler could two little batteries do that much damage?’"

”First, I gazed at our little Schitzhu, "Spanky" (only for a second) and that just didn't seem right, so I prepared myself for a self-administered, one second blast.”

”What I didn't figure into my plan was that: There is no such thing as a one second blast when the person holding the trigger is the person receiving the blast!!!!  I can't emphasize this point enough. ”

”So, as the batteries were running down in my still squeezing hand, I remember thrashing about on my back porch like a fish in an electrified boat bottom for what seemed like hours (probably 20 seconds). ”

”When I came to in a pool of my own liquids, I found one shoe on the roof and my glasses hanging on the tractor 30 feet away. I was bleeding from 2 little holes burnt into my thigh.  I thought I had two broken ribs, my left eyelid was wrapped around my forehead, and my right ear seemed to be missing. I offered a reward for its safe return which occurred the next day.”

”Spanky was sitting there looking at me as if to say ‘Do it agin Dad, Do it again!’"

”The doctor says I got dain brammage. That was the second most stupid thing I ever did. Let's not tell Mrs. Bodine about this as she now carries this damned thing in her purse.”

“I think me and Uncle Butch may have been separated at birth.”